Palin the Beauty Pageant Contestant

By Miryam Ehrlich Williamson

Jimmy Zuma bases his blog, Smart v. Stupid on the premise that

Today’s battle for power is between smart and stupid.

His political commentary, he says, is “aimed at elevating smart ideas and debunking dumb ones.”  This much I got from an e-mail newsletter that came my way.

I don’t agree with his premise; I think some of the rightest wingers are very smart people. I’m hoping they turn out to be too smart for their own good, as happened with Newt Gingrich in 1996 and bids fair to happen again in 2012. It just occurred to me that Gingrich may be existence proof that you can be both smart and stupid at the same time, which doesn’t add any mojo to Zuma’s thesis.

Still, I checked out the blog a short time ago and found there an interestingly original,  pleasantly leftish way of looking at things.

I was intending to make February a Palin-free month (sort of a practice session for Autumn, 2012) but I can’t resist sharing part of the current post.  You’ll find the whole thing here and here.

The nut of the story is this:

Palin thinks she is competing in a beauty pageant.

That’s it. Every move she makes is choreographed as if by a pageant coach. Yes, that’s an actual job, in case you were wondering.

Then he goes on to enumerate pageant rules he probably made up, but they have a ring of truth to them.

Rule 1 – Shine!

The successful pageant contestant monopolizes the attention of the audience and the judges. Never let another contestant shine brighter or get more attention than you. If you want to be a star, you have to cast a shadow over everyone else on the stage, so wear big hair and push up front.

Talk all the time. Even when you have nothing to say, keep talking. Talking is easy and fun. It’s not like reading, I promise!!!

Rule 2 – When you make a mistake, keep going

In the talent portion, you must never, ever stop if you make a mistake. Just pretend like you never tripped or slipped or forgot the third chorus, and carry on with your routine. Afterwards never, ever, mention or admit to your mistake. We call this “poise.”

If you say something really dumb, just pretend like it never happened. Many of the people in the audience are only half-listening and some are idiots. The idiots won’t even notice. If anyone does, convince them that someone else caused your slip up because she is really out to get you!

Rule 3 – Make the audience believe you’re one of them

You want the audience to believe that they are also special even though (obviously) they are not. Even though the judges are just ugly people who got to sit up front, smile and wink at them anyway.

A good way to get sympathy whenever someone criticizes you is to make believe she criticized everyone. You want “everyone” on your side in a fight, don’t you? So make any complaint about you a complaint about all Americans. Die Commie scum!

Rule 4 – Be seen as a good Christian

Above all, pageant winners must appear to be good Christians. Just like our country, the pageant community is founded on Christian values. We are a Christian pageant system for Christian girls who want to succeed in a Christian world. Be sure to include the word Christian in every sentence. If you can say “Christian” twice in one sentence, even better. Anyone who is not a Christian is going to hell. Who wants their votes anyway? The judges, anyway anyway, will always be Christians.

Rule 5 – Be seen as a good American

Pageant winners must be good Americans. Bad Americans (like liberals and such, and blacks of course) don’t win pageants because they don’t deserve to. We are an American pageant system for American girls who want to succeed in America. Be sure to include “USA” in most every sentence. Just make sure you also remind everyone that you’re a Christian first, but an American Christian. It’s the American way, you know.

America is a C-A-P-I-T-A-L-I-S-T country. You don’t really need to understand what that is, only that it means you have to crawl over the backs of every other contestant to get to the top. Anybody who helps another American is a Socialist. That’s something bad. It’s worse than being a Mormon and almost as bad as being a Muslim.

Don’t be fooled by people who try to tell you that there is a “Central” or “South” America. They learned that idea in college, so duh. There is only one America and this is it!!!

First published on Technorati as Miss Alaska Disqualified from Politics

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