Giving Them What They Want

J. Marcus

A conservative friend of mine has been down a bit lately. He was never that enthused about McCain, bristled at the thought of a President Palin, and despondent about his votes in 2000 and 2004 for he now calls “Neoconsocialism”.
I’ve hated that my friend has been down since… yikes, February… so I’ve been hard at work to give him something to smile about. I know he reads my blog posts (I have the angry voicemails to prove it), so cheer up Pasty Bear, I found you a candidate! He’s a new kind of conservative, but he’s no Neo-Con. He’s old, but for him age is no longer an issue. He’s the ultimate Reagan conservative with a brand new twist. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next President of the United States, Zombie Reagan.
I can already sense my friend’s pulse quickening. Let’s be honest, this is pretty much what conservatives have been asking for since 2000. At first I thought that conservatives would have a problem with zombies, but seeing how quickly James Dobson has taken a shine to Sarah Palin, I’m guessing they’ll get over being a thrall to an undead Reagan. Don’t worry, there are benefits:
  • Zombie Reagan wouldn’t be running for a third-term, he’s not Ronald Reagan, he’s Zombie Reagan. Whole new ballgame, Constitutionally-speaking.
  • Education funding would skyrocket under Zombie Reagan. Finally, a President who only loves us for our brains.
  • I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but there’s a Zombie war between Democracy and Communism. First, Cubans try to psyche us out with Zombie Castro. Then, North Korea shows signs of getting in the game with their own Zombie Jong-Il. For the safety and the psy-ops of our nation, we can no longer allow this Zombie Gap to run rampant across the globe. The free people of the world want to know, “Where’s an abomination that represents OUR needs?”
  • Sarah Palin’s interview answers will be upgraded from “vapid” to “zombiesque”.
They completely outweigh the cons:
  • No one tell Nancy. She may still have some legal rights here and we can’t tie chain the hands of our new President.
  • Which reminds me, we’ll have to avoid press conferences and State of the Union addresses. For your safety, we must chain the hands of our new President.
  • Presidential signing statements to legislation will now fade away into incomprehensible obscurity.
A smarmy blog post about a bold new choice for President will just get washed away in the tide. So, I made an internet campaign that’s been picking up steam all summer. Some independent media picked it up and ran with it, so don’t worry Conserva-buddy, an answer to your prayers is nearly here!
Now stop retching and help me dig.
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One Response to “Giving Them What They Want”

  1. Night of the Living … Zombie????

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