McCainopoly

J. Marcus

While everyone was sleeping with cell phones nearby for the inevitable “OK evry1 I pickd Biden 4 VP lol!”, I was having a blast playing my favorite game McCainopoly against some friends. Don’t bother looking for it in stores, McCainopoly isn’t for sale. This game can only be passed down to you from your father when you turn 18.

I was going to play with my wife but she didn’t pass the mandatory credit check, so I had to get her younger, richer half-sister to come over and play instead. After that and a quick rundown of the pre-nuptial agreement, we were off!

Things got dicey at first, as my friends chose the telegraph to be their token – my lucky piece. My next favorite was the jet plane, but after the fourth consecutive loss I decided it was bad luck and swore off using it ever again. I decided to honor my in-game wife’s wishes and pick the beer stein to be our token. Fine.

We put down the board with all the cards face down, and gave all the money to my in-game wife. There is no banker in McCainopoly; my in-game wife has all the money and whatever cash any other player can catch, they can keep. My in-game wife listened to the other players beg, bargain, and wheedle their case for why they should get some money from her. After about a half-hour she gave them some front money and told them to shut up about it if they’re questioned by the press. I got excited at the prospect of an experienced partner – she had played McCainopoly before!

We all took turns rolling the dice, making some moves, and accusing each other of cheating. The fun part about McCainopoly is that we were all right – the dice are fixed. If anybody ever tries to bring their own normal dice, they may use them if they wish. If they start to win, however, they’re automatically disqualified for being an elitist.

Thankfully, I was the first to land on a Chance card.

Awesome! The beer stein is my new lucky piece! Now the money that was my in-game wife’s is mine as well, except of course for whatever limitations the pre-nuptial held. But still… hooray!

Everything is kind of a blur after that. My opponents were making great rolls on their loaded dice, but they could only buy what we allowed them to have. After my in-game wife and I got all the high-value property (4? 7? 8? 10? I forgot. I’ll have to ask my staff… ) I made a bad roll, and got angry when one of my opponents made fun of me about it. In retrospect, he’s kind of right, how could I screw up on loaded dice? Anyway, I reached over and grabbed the guy by his shirt collar, just snatched him up, and for my faux-pas I was forced to use my Criticism card.

In other games I’d have to be careful, but in McCainopoly this card can be used over and over and over again, as needed. That’s why I love McCainopoly, it’s not so important how we play the game, what’s important is that I win.

(Thanks to Jab105 at Democratic Underground for the Criticism card. I can’t find who made the Chance card, but if anyone knows please shoot me an e-mail so I can verify & give them proper credit.)

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2 Responses to “McCainopoly”

  1. [...] jmarcus wrote a fantastic post today on “McCainopoly”Here’s ONLY a quick extractI decided to honor my in-game wife’s wishes and pick the beer stein to be our token. Fine. We put down the board with all the cards face down, and gave all the money to my in-game wife. There is no banker in McCainopoly; my in-game wife … [...]

  2. This is funny as all get out. HILARIOUS.

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