Lamar Alexander (R-TN) Saves Us All

J. Marcus

Last week, while everybody was fighting over Obama’s coverage and McCain’s senior moments, we missed out on a groundbreaking solution that will save the world. It’s an idea so powerful, so compelling, that it will be compared to the human achievement of agriculture. It will make those smarmy jerks who hand out Nobel prizes trade in their fancy booklearnin’ for a far more fashionable opium addiction.

There will be a national holiday over this one, folks.

Washington, DC will be re-named Lamaria, as Alexandria might make people think of some small-time, short-lived, over-rated Macedonian.

You thought the eagle would remain the symbol of this country? You fool. Get ready to slap some Cosberella lamaralexanderi on those plates you’ll be special ordering from the Bradford Exchange.

Late last week, (The Exalted) Lamar Alexander (King of the Republic, Lord of Sciences and Knowledge) solved our energy crisis and altered the course of our rising gas prices, apparently all before lunch. At an energy meeting in Jackson, Tennessee, he said that the key to solving our energy problems can be summed up in four magical words: “find more, use less.”

Now I’ll answer the next question that has come to your mind: The yearly wage for a state senator is $165,200 and there are no limits to how long you can serve. I’ll see you all on Friday, I’m gonna go update my resume.

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